The Year of Firsts

Father’s day is coming up next weekend. I am lucky, grateful, and thankful to say I had a wonderful, loving relationship with my dad. But this year, it is my first father’s day without one. Out of all the firsts I have experienced this year, his birthday and holidays, father’s day seems like the hardest so far (but I am not quite done with the year of firsts). It is a silly Hallmark holiday, but simply put, it's a day earmarked to celebrate a father, and mine is no longer physically around for the first time.

So many people have also been through father’s day with no father, albeit an absent or estranged father, one they never got to meet, or one who passed on in a timely or untimely way. As my wise sister says, “it's just our turn.” And everyone, in their lives, will have their turn. So this father’s day, if your father is still physically and emotionally around for you, give him an extra big hug. One day, it will be your turn too, and it is my wish that this awareness will fill you with appreciation for the moment rather than any sense of morbidity. Impermanence is part of human existence. To quote the Buddhist monk Thich Nhat Hanh: It’s not impermanence that makes us suffer. What makes us suffer is wanting things to be permanent, when they are not. This father’s day will be a sad day for me, and maybe for you as well. The plan I have come up with is taking some time and space to grieve for my dad. But acknowledging other fathers in my family. I have a father in law, and have brothers in law who are dads, whose kids have given me the beloved role as Auntie.

Grief

This has been the year of firsts for all of us. Covid-19 and quarantine is creating grief in the form of loss of our “normal” lives. Our lives have changed so drastically since the end of February, which was only 4 months ago. Some people haven't seen their families since quarantine started, so maybe seeing your father this father’s day is still not an option. Maybe your dad is in a different state and travel is not an option. We grieve lack of social interactions, going out, restaurants, movies, the arts, traveling, sports, work, appointments, kids being at school and summer camps: everything is different. Going to the grocery store is different! Our world has become our homes. Depression can set in, and pressures to be productive or never have a break from kids can create stress and exhaustion. Then there are the protests all over the world. A 6 year old lost her father under a cop’s knee. Black America has been grieving for so long and some of us have not been aware of it until now, and we grieve that. Whatever grief you are experiencing, acknowledge it and take the time and space to process it.